Holy "S"!!! That is funny!

That's like this poor guy:

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

BREAKING UP WITH A LONG TIME FISHING PARTNER CAN BE HARD TO DO:

You may have been faced with this before… or possibly be considering letting one of your old time fishing partners know it’s just not what it used to be and you don’t want to be their partner anymore.

This can create a most difficult situation and experience for some. Especially around the Holiday Season when expectations of friends and family runs high.

I decided to seek some professional advice on how to best deal with this most stressful situation. I consulted internationally renowned fishing psychologist and licensed hypnotist, Dr. Flipenzypigenjig for his advice. Dr. Flipenzypigenjig is well known for his services behind the scenes of major professional fishing tournaments throughout the world.

The following is a list of Dr. Flipenzypigenjig’s ten pointers on letting your partner down easy and coming out smelling like a rose.

1. To ease the shock of no longer having someone to share the gas bill with, give your partner some time to get used to the idea of fishing alone before you tie him to the dock for good.

2. Allow at least two weeks time and make sure to end it on a Sunday evening, Dr. Flipenzypigenjig suggests. That way you won’t ruin his whole weekend of fishing and put him on the spot to find another worthy partner in a hurry.

3. As the time approaches to break the news, play it like you’re no longer attached to the idea of fishing with him and start fishing with your other pals, attending fishing shows without him and avoid making plans with him. (Dr. Flipenzypigenjig put emphasis on letting him down easy and doing as little damage to the fragile “Tournament Fishing Psyche” as possible.)

4. Try to distract him with sideline projects like tying his own trout flies or carving his own swimbait bodies. Remember not to rub things in his face like how smoky his old 125 Mercury two-stroke is.

5. When the day for the final goodbye speech comes, make sure you do it on his boat. This way he’ll be in his comfort zone. (Dr. Flipenzypigenjig pointed out that it is critical for your personal safety to make sure you have a life jacket on and that the boat is not underway at this time.)

6. It is always best to start of with something like this, “This is going to be a very difficult conversation. I want you to know how difficult it is for me to tell you this but I don’t want to be your fishing partner any more. This decision was extremely hard to make but it is final. You have been a wonderful partner but it’s time for us to go in different directions.” (Be prepared to duck quickly at this point.)

7. A common first reaction is “Why me?” If they try bargaining and just don’t get that it’s final…. You have to be firm. Don’t explain why. It will just give them false hope that if they change a little you’ll change your mind.

8. After the deed is done, give him some good time to settle down emotionally. Don’t call for at least six months. Go out and enjoy learning all the great new tricks from your new pals so you can impress the heck out of him and kick his butt good if you ever do go fishing with him again.

9. When looking for new fishing partners it is best to avoid his sister, his last fishing partner before you, or any past girlfriends of his.

10. When and if you ever do go fishing with you old pal again make sure to bring plenty of cold beer when you go out. (A few shooters on the side wouldn’t hurt here either.) Tell him how much you miss the good ole days but it really is much better this way. Forgive him for the time he gave you a jig with the hook point broken off in that big tournament you lost by only two ounces. And when the booze starts flowing make sure to tell him that looking back he was the best fishing partner you ever had. (Dr. Flipenzypigenjig recommends that this would be a perfect time to steal back all those killer lures you let him borrow.)

Geo,

Is this one yours, or did you get it someplace else?

Hi Brendan!

This version was written by me to make it funny for fisherman (all of the fishing related stuff was made up by me) but I did get the idea for it from an item about how to break up with your GF I read in a popular men's magazine while waiting for a haircut at my local barber shop.

OK, I thought so... funny read for sure...

I just realized what Brendan was yellin at me at the last partners tournament when he saw a fish. I was that Dr.'s name!

ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO BE ON SANTA’S MACHO FISHERMAN’S GIFT LIST?

You might be wondering if those little elves may be getting something ready that truly suits your macho fisherman style. Answer the following ten questions and find out if you qualify to be on Santa’s Macho Fisherman’s Gift List.

1. While fishing, Cuban cigars are good for_______.

A. Keeping mosquitoes away from the boat.

B. Letting all your friends know you really don’t need them to kick in for the gas.

C. Removing the lingering smell of burning drag plates from your nose.

D. Passing them out so friends will ask you to go fishing with them again.


2. When it comes right down to it, you prefer _________ to love.

A. Catching ten pound bass on 4 lb. line.

B. A wide open bite at Lake Fork.

C. An all expenses paid trip to Mexico to fish Lake El Salto for a week.

D. All of the above.


3. When it comes to fishing spinner baits you think ____________.

A. Power crankin’ like Kevin VanDam is the only way to fish.

B. Slow rolling gets more big ones.

C. I don’t like spinners, they are too flashy.

D. You can’t decide between A and B.


4. When you hear the term drag setting you think of _____________.

A. The last time you went to a PTA meeting.

B. That huge fish you lost because you forgot to do it.

C. Adjusting dual Weber carbs on an old MG.

D. Your grandfather clock if you forgot to wind it.


5. The difference between a bassboat and any other boat is __________.

A. Other boats are completely useless.

B. Other boats are for sissies.

C. You don’t understand why your bassboat doesn’t qualify as a second home tax deduction.

D. A and C are both true.


6. You think two ounce jigs are ____________.

A. Two light.

B. Just the right weight.

C. Only good if you use a fourteen inch Senko as a trailer.

D. Good for busting holes in thick mats.


7. After a heart attack your doctor said “Stop fishing”. You would ____________.

A. Ask him where he went to school.

B. Figure you’re gonna die anyway so why not die fishing?

C. Ask him if he would like to buy your bassboat.

D. Ask for your co-pay back and go buy some Roboworms.


8. Your opinion on WD-40 as a fishing aid is ________________.

A. You only use it once in a while to get pork off a jig.

B. The idea that it attracts fish is a communist plot.

C. It actually does work good as a fish attractant.

D. You only keep it around incase your drain plug gets stuck.


9. If your girlfriend said she doesn’t like fishing with you, you would ____________.

A. Celebrate.

B. Dump her instantly.

C. Figure if you like her that much it doesn’t matter.

D. Lie to her and tell her you’re sorry she feels that way.


10. The only thing that stops you from fishing is ____________.

A. A major hole in your hull.

B. Wind speeds over 70 mph.

C. You’ve run out of hooks.

D. Jail time.




Congratulations: If you have answered A, B, or C, to more than two questions you are on Santa’s Macho Fisherman’s Gift List

P.S. Brendan this is one of my originals. LOL

Good Stuff GEO!!
Here's one.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.


What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.


If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.


I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.


Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.


To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.


On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.


My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.


The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.


We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.


My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.


My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'


'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.


I kept my mouth shut.


'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.


'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.


But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'


Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'


My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.


A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.


My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.


Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.


It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.


Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.


Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.


I can't wait until next Christmas.