A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas & goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.”

Well, the boss liked the kid & gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65”

The boss says, “$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and A TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’ “

OK Geobass you owe me for a new keyboard and a bottle of monitor cleaner! Did you know that sparks come out of a keyboard when you spit soda into it while laughing!! Good one!

Lol that is a good one... nice find Geo! Glad I read Frank's response first, I made sure I didn't take a sip of coffee until I was done reading it...

Motto of the Day: "When ever possible, learn from the mistakes of others!"

Thanks Geo... and of course Frank for spitting his soda out for the rest of us!

Here's another one for you guys:

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. "What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or [censored]" and she said, "Wear a Sweater."

A sultry woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Ba dump bump

Ha, Ha, ha, hhhha! Brendan that's a good one.

Yeah just think how many marriages have been saved by fishing. Plus can you imagine what the world population would be if not for so many guys showing up at the lake while it's still dark.

And like what are we going to do if the big three go bankrupt. How will our nation survive without Zoom, Yamamoto and Berkley???

Rumor has it their CEOs are heading to Washington in rowboats this time instead of the go fast bass boats they took on their last trip.

Thats twice Geo! LOL

LOL Ukey! Probably the same reason why Bush offered Obama the hand sanitizer.

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f*&^*d?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.

Geo, that was histerical!

Frank, Sick, sick and more sick...

If you guys get a few minutes, watch this video, it's pretty funny:

The Dog House

A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?" The other man yells back,

"They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"

Two men were fishing along the dam of their home lake when a funeral procession came down the road across the dam. The man in the front of the boat stands and takes his hat off and bows his head. After the procession passed he puts his hat back on and continues fishing. The man in the back of the boat says “ that was really respectful of you to stop fishing while the procession passed”

Man in front of boat reply’s “least I could do I been married to her for 40 years, now stop talking and start fishing!”

mofish... oh man that was funny. Hey and Brendan, that Dog House video is incredibly funny.

Yeah that's like the spoof that was running on TV for a while about the guy standing in the driveway looking up while all his stuff is being thrown out the window. He got his significant other football playoff tickets for her birthday.

So do you guys think I should unwrap the economy size Smelly Jelly I put under the tree for my wife and think about getting her something else for Christmas???

And oh yeah, by the way it's ten days before Christmas. Here in LA it's raining and I'm freezing my little butt off cause it's 56 degrees outside too. The roses in my backyard don't seem to mind at all though.


Later............... geobass

That's a funny one Conley...


Geo... You should swap out that smelly jelly with those flowers before your wife gets a sniff...

Get her someting nice and

maybe you could be like Frank!

A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

> Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all
the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

> Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

> Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

> Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

> Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

> Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

> Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank...........he died. I married his [censored] widow.'

Well ukey28 you said you owed me one........ now we're even. That was really funny.

Man just think what I started... this thread may even last longer than my last can of Edge. Well now that I started shaving again as ukey pointed out, maybe not that long.

Could be longer than the Obama administration though..... how many of you guys have seen that tabloid that says Obama's birth certificate is a forgery and that he is not a native born American???

Anyway when I stop laughing I'm gonna try to respool one of my baitcasters cause right now my ribs are still aching from that last one ya put up ukey.

Today was one of those days that I really could use a laugh.

Sorry, But I really don't want to see this thread end. I think its cool to hit it every day to see if there's a new giggle. Whats nice about this is that its been high quality humor, no reruns! I'll drop the next good one I get on it. Happy Holidays!
Frank Feldman

OK, found this one and made a few tweeks. Heads up, this one is PG-13:


"20 Reasons Why Fishing is better than Intercourse":

20 – No matter how ugly you are, you can always find someone to Fish with.

19 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

18 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

17 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

16 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

15 - You only have to put on a rod-sleeve if you want to.

14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about the people you Fished with in the past.

13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

12 - When you see a really good angler, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish with yourself.

9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment or fired.

6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to set up parental controls to block those channels.

4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

2 – It’s OK if you want to show off your rod to your Fishing buddies.

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again, we just Fished last night! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Important public service announcement for the holiday season!!!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, beer or other alcoholic favorite ... and to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. "

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer, tequila, gin, vodka, rum, whiskey, bourbon, or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop

Wine , beer and other forms of alcohol = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink alcohol and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of poop.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

lol... and he "softens it up" with the word "poop"... very funny Frank. It looses a little of its punch with out the "S" word, but I do appreciate you keeping it clean.

Hey speaking of poop and consumables, you gotta love the saying:

"Life's like a c-r-a-p sandwich, the more bread you've got, the less c-r-a-p you have to taste!"

I shoulda added a Hy-phen!!!

The Twelve Days of Christmas. My choice would be different but it is good.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the Fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the Sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the Seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Seven Mizmo Grande's,
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the Eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eight Scum Frogs,
Seven Mizmo Grande's,
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nine bags of Senkos,
Eight Scum Frogs,
Seven Mizmo Grande's,
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the Tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Ten Daiichi Fat Gaps,
Nine bags of Senkos,
Eight Scum Frogs,
Seven Mizmo Grande's,
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eleven Swimmin' Jigs,
Ten Daiichi Fat Gaps,
Nine bags of Senkos,
Eight Scum Frogs,
Seven Mizmo Grande's,
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve Household Chores???
Eleven Swimmin' Jigs,
Ten Daiichi Fat Gaps,
Nine bags of Senkos,
Eight Scum Frogs,
Seven Mizmo Grande's,
Six drop shot weights,
Five spools of PowerPro,
Four Flippin' sticks,
Three Pflueger Presidents,
Two tubes of MegaStrike,
And the Mike Del Visco - Sonar DVD.

original

The Hunting short version

On the 12th day of hunting, and this is all I see...
12 falling leaves,
11 chick a dees
10 to fall asleep
9 false alarms
8 all my food
at 7 saw a fox
6 squirrels fighting
5 darned blueeeee jayyyyyyyssss
4 got my gun
3 "blind" mice
2 cups of joe
and a partridge in dat dere treeeeeeee!

Hey Nunz you musta hunted the Catskills!!

Of all the Xmas presents in the first song, the only thing I would have returned was the bags of senkos!

Don't raise your children to be senko slingers!!!

A hunting Story!!!!


A young man had just got into a new hunting club. This hunting club had several members that were pretty old. The young man thought to himself that these older hunters would prolly have some great hunting stories. While talking to one of the older members he decided to ask about the mans best hunting story.


The older man said that he was once on a Safari hunt in Africa. He decided to sit at the bottom of a tree and wait for some game to walk into range, when all of a sudden a huge male lion jumped out of some tall grass right beside him and went Raawwwrr!!!!!



The older man just stood there and said nothing.



The young man eager to hear the rest of the story said what happened?



The older man said I crapped my pants.



The younger man said I woulda crapped my pants too if a lion woulda jumped out at me like that.



The older man said no not during the hunt, just then when I said Raawwwrrr!!!!!


Whaah? You're to young to appreciate the humor!!!
It depends!

Frank,

Was so funny I brought my three kids fishing on the lake in my boat this past summer. Had a Senko hooked up on my 8 year old daugthers fishing pole. She looked at me after fishing a couple of minutes and said " Daddy this is not fair!!! I want the cool thing like whats on your pole. Dad put a jig on mine too." Even my kids don't want to use them. I put on a black and blue jig with matching trailer for her. 15 minutes later she had a fish on.

Nunz

Successful Ice Fishing
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

Vacation Story

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

Hey, I resemble that joke!

Husband Down


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

Holy "S"!!! That is funny!

That's like this poor guy:

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

BREAKING UP WITH A LONG TIME FISHING PARTNER CAN BE HARD TO DO:

You may have been faced with this before… or possibly be considering letting one of your old time fishing partners know it’s just not what it used to be and you don’t want to be their partner anymore.

This can create a most difficult situation and experience for some. Especially around the Holiday Season when expectations of friends and family runs high.

I decided to seek some professional advice on how to best deal with this most stressful situation. I consulted internationally renowned fishing psychologist and licensed hypnotist, Dr. Flipenzypigenjig for his advice. Dr. Flipenzypigenjig is well known for his services behind the scenes of major professional fishing tournaments throughout the world.

The following is a list of Dr. Flipenzypigenjig’s ten pointers on letting your partner down easy and coming out smelling like a rose.

1. To ease the shock of no longer having someone to share the gas bill with, give your partner some time to get used to the idea of fishing alone before you tie him to the dock for good.

2. Allow at least two weeks time and make sure to end it on a Sunday evening, Dr. Flipenzypigenjig suggests. That way you won’t ruin his whole weekend of fishing and put him on the spot to find another worthy partner in a hurry.

3. As the time approaches to break the news, play it like you’re no longer attached to the idea of fishing with him and start fishing with your other pals, attending fishing shows without him and avoid making plans with him. (Dr. Flipenzypigenjig put emphasis on letting him down easy and doing as little damage to the fragile “Tournament Fishing Psyche” as possible.)

4. Try to distract him with sideline projects like tying his own trout flies or carving his own swimbait bodies. Remember not to rub things in his face like how smoky his old 125 Mercury two-stroke is.

5. When the day for the final goodbye speech comes, make sure you do it on his boat. This way he’ll be in his comfort zone. (Dr. Flipenzypigenjig pointed out that it is critical for your personal safety to make sure you have a life jacket on and that the boat is not underway at this time.)

6. It is always best to start of with something like this, “This is going to be a very difficult conversation. I want you to know how difficult it is for me to tell you this but I don’t want to be your fishing partner any more. This decision was extremely hard to make but it is final. You have been a wonderful partner but it’s time for us to go in different directions.” (Be prepared to duck quickly at this point.)

7. A common first reaction is “Why me?” If they try bargaining and just don’t get that it’s final…. You have to be firm. Don’t explain why. It will just give them false hope that if they change a little you’ll change your mind.

8. After the deed is done, give him some good time to settle down emotionally. Don’t call for at least six months. Go out and enjoy learning all the great new tricks from your new pals so you can impress the heck out of him and kick his butt good if you ever do go fishing with him again.

9. When looking for new fishing partners it is best to avoid his sister, his last fishing partner before you, or any past girlfriends of his.

10. When and if you ever do go fishing with you old pal again make sure to bring plenty of cold beer when you go out. (A few shooters on the side wouldn’t hurt here either.) Tell him how much you miss the good ole days but it really is much better this way. Forgive him for the time he gave you a jig with the hook point broken off in that big tournament you lost by only two ounces. And when the booze starts flowing make sure to tell him that looking back he was the best fishing partner you ever had. (Dr. Flipenzypigenjig recommends that this would be a perfect time to steal back all those killer lures you let him borrow.)

Geo,

Is this one yours, or did you get it someplace else?

Hi Brendan!

This version was written by me to make it funny for fisherman (all of the fishing related stuff was made up by me) but I did get the idea for it from an item about how to break up with your GF I read in a popular men's magazine while waiting for a haircut at my local barber shop.

OK, I thought so... funny read for sure...

I just realized what Brendan was yellin at me at the last partners tournament when he saw a fish. I was that Dr.'s name!

ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO BE ON SANTA’S MACHO FISHERMAN’S GIFT LIST?

You might be wondering if those little elves may be getting something ready that truly suits your macho fisherman style. Answer the following ten questions and find out if you qualify to be on Santa’s Macho Fisherman’s Gift List.

1. While fishing, Cuban cigars are good for_______.

A. Keeping mosquitoes away from the boat.

B. Letting all your friends know you really don’t need them to kick in for the gas.

C. Removing the lingering smell of burning drag plates from your nose.

D. Passing them out so friends will ask you to go fishing with them again.


2. When it comes right down to it, you prefer _________ to love.

A. Catching ten pound bass on 4 lb. line.

B. A wide open bite at Lake Fork.

C. An all expenses paid trip to Mexico to fish Lake El Salto for a week.

D. All of the above.


3. When it comes to fishing spinner baits you think ____________.

A. Power crankin’ like Kevin VanDam is the only way to fish.

B. Slow rolling gets more big ones.

C. I don’t like spinners, they are too flashy.

D. You can’t decide between A and B.


4. When you hear the term drag setting you think of _____________.

A. The last time you went to a PTA meeting.

B. That huge fish you lost because you forgot to do it.

C. Adjusting dual Weber carbs on an old MG.

D. Your grandfather clock if you forgot to wind it.


5. The difference between a bassboat and any other boat is __________.

A. Other boats are completely useless.

B. Other boats are for sissies.

C. You don’t understand why your bassboat doesn’t qualify as a second home tax deduction.

D. A and C are both true.


6. You think two ounce jigs are ____________.

A. Two light.

B. Just the right weight.

C. Only good if you use a fourteen inch Senko as a trailer.

D. Good for busting holes in thick mats.


7. After a heart attack your doctor said “Stop fishing”. You would ____________.

A. Ask him where he went to school.

B. Figure you’re gonna die anyway so why not die fishing?

C. Ask him if he would like to buy your bassboat.

D. Ask for your co-pay back and go buy some Roboworms.


8. Your opinion on WD-40 as a fishing aid is ________________.

A. You only use it once in a while to get pork off a jig.

B. The idea that it attracts fish is a communist plot.

C. It actually does work good as a fish attractant.

D. You only keep it around incase your drain plug gets stuck.


9. If your girlfriend said she doesn’t like fishing with you, you would ____________.

A. Celebrate.

B. Dump her instantly.

C. Figure if you like her that much it doesn’t matter.

D. Lie to her and tell her you’re sorry she feels that way.


10. The only thing that stops you from fishing is ____________.

A. A major hole in your hull.

B. Wind speeds over 70 mph.

C. You’ve run out of hooks.

D. Jail time.




Congratulations: If you have answered A, B, or C, to more than two questions you are on Santa’s Macho Fisherman’s Gift List

P.S. Brendan this is one of my originals. LOL

Good Stuff GEO!!
Here's one.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.


What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.


If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.


I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.


Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.


To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.


On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.


My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.


The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.


We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.


My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.


My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'


'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.


I kept my mouth shut.


'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.


'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.


But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'


Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'


My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.


A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.


My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.


Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.


It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.


Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.


Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.


I can't wait until next Christmas.